Is your Boss a Sociopath? Are You? Am I?
Not in the same class as a sociopath, but interesting
individuals, are Narcissists. Narcissists share some traits with sociopaths.
They lack empathy, are very thin-skinned and grandiose in their own images. In
a sense Narcissists are sociopaths that cannot completely close the deal.
An article by Craig Milkin, a Clinical Psychologist, wrote a
recent article about the warning signs of Narcissism and how to detect them.
Here are five things to look for:
1) Projected
Feelings of Insecurity: I don't mean that narcissists see insecurity
everywhere. I'm talking about a different kind of projection altogether, akin
to playing hot potato with a sense of smallness and deficiency. Narcissists say
and do things, subtle or obvious, that make you feel less smart, less
accomplished, less competent. It's as if they're saying, "I don't want to
feel this insecure and small; here, you take the feelings." Picture the
boss who questions your methods after their own decision derails an important
project, the date who frequently claims not to understand what you've said,
even when you've been perfectly clear, or the friend who always damns you with
faint praise ("Pretty good job this time!"). Remember the saying:
"Don't knock your neighbor's porch light out to make yours shine
brighter." Well, the narcissist loves to knock out your lights to seem
brighter by comparison. [Authors note: Look for those people
that are “one-uppers,” those that no matter how well you have done, they have “one-up”
on you.]
2) Emotion-phobia: Feelings are a natural consequence
of being human, and we tend to have lots of them in the course of normal
interactions. But the very fact of having a feeling in the presence of another
person suggests you can be touched emotionally by friends, family, partners,
and even the occasional tragedy or failure. Narcissists abhor feeling
influenced in any significant way. It challenges their sense of perfect
autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by
someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when
feelings come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger,
it's often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they've reached the
boiling point -- even when they're in the midst of the most terrifying tirade.
3) A Fragmented Family Story: Narcissism
seems to be born of neglect and abuse, both of which are notorious for creating
an insecure attachment style (for more on attachment, see here
and here).
But the very fact that narcissists, for all their posturing, are deeply
insecure, also gives us an easy way to spot them. Insecurely attached people
can't talk coherently about their family and childhood; their early memories
are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps. Narcissists often give
themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense, and the
most common myth they carry around is the perfect family story. If your date
sings their praises for their exalted family but the reasons for their
panegyric seem vague or discursive, look out. The devil is in the details, as
they say -- and very likely, that's why you're not hearing them.
4) Idol Worship: Another common
narcissistic tendency you might be less familiar with is the habit of putting
people on pedestals. The logic goes a bit like this: "If I find someone
perfect to be close to, maybe some of their perfection will rub off on me, and
I'll become perfect by association." The fact that no one can be perfect
is usually lost on the idol-worshipping narcissist -- at least until they
discover, as they inevitably do, that their idol has clay feet. And stand back
once that happens. Few experiences can prepare you for the vitriol of a
suddenly disappointed narcissist. Look out for any pressure to conform to an
image of perfection, no matter how lovely or magical the compulsive flattery might
feel.
5) A High Need for Control: For the same
reason narcissists often loathe the subject of feelings, they can't stand to be
at the mercy of other people's preferences; it reminds them that they aren't
invulnerable or completely independent -- that, in fact, they might have to ask
for what they want -- and even worse, people may not feel like meeting the
request. Rather than express needs or preferences themselves, they often
arrange events (and maneuver people) to orchestrate the outcomes they desire.
In the extreme form, this can manifest as abusive, controlling behaviors.
(Think of the man who berates his wife when dinner isn't ready as soon as he
comes home. He lashes out precisely because at that very moment, he's forced to
acknowledge that he depends on his wife, something he'd rather avoid.)
But as with most of these red flags, the efforts at control are often far
subtler than outright abuse. Be on the lookout for anyone who leaves you
feeling nervous about approaching certain topics or sharing your own
preferences. Narcissists have a way of making choices feel off-limits without
expressing any anger at all -- a disapproving wince, a last-minute call to
preempt the plans, chronic lateness whenever you're in charge of arranging a
night together. It's more like a war of attrition on your will than an outright
assault on your freedom.
As business people and business lawyers, we probably ask
ourselves what separates the good from the great, the great from the average,
and the average from talented neer’ do wells. I have my own ideas, but it would
be nice to hear yours.
